H and I came across a dead hornet this morning on our walk to school. It took a bit to figure out what it was. At first we thought it was some kind of locust and then a wasp. But once we could make out its thick and sleek black and yellow body and its wicked stinger we knew. No wonder their stings hurt, they are big long stingered bastards.
Walked out the front door of my house this morning, headed to work, to find a woman standing next to the curb with a baby in one arm. In her other hand she held a leash which lead to a black dog doing its business in our front yard.
She said “Sorry, I thought she was done,” then tugged on the leash and headed north up the street, hooking up with a guy in a gray tee-shirt leading another leashed dog.
Besides the fact that I grew just a little more resistant to communal living in that instant, I wondered what she meant by “I thought she was done.” Was the dog supposed to do all its business in someone else’s yard and only hit our yard as part two of an uncompleted project? Was the dog supposed to be done before I walked out and saw it?
I’m sure that none of them, not she, the baby, or the dog expected me to walk out and catch them in the act of elimination. The “Sorry, I thought she was done” was an apology delivered in a bit of shock.
That leads me to think that it is indeed a good idea to be prepare oneself with some exciting statements, to draw attention from whatever act one is inevitably interrupted in – something like Dave Attell’s “Get some help, a hot towel and a chicken burrito!”
Or one can try a more classic diversion-and-split. Something like John Belushi’s line in 1941: “aw look a baby wolf” before he drives away on a motorcycle, or Cleavon Little’s: “for my next impression – Jessie Owens,” before he ran away from Harvey Korman and his henchmen in Blazing Saddles might work.
So in preparation for when someone catches me, baby in arm, dog in their yard (it’s all figurative, my babies are both older and I don’t have a dog) here are a few emergency lines:
- Jimmy Crack Corn but try as I might I still care, I, still care…
- God Damn You Patriarchy!
- You needn’t give your attention to everyone who demands it Fiona!
- You were the restless one and you did not care, that I was the trouble boy, lookin’ for a double dare (okay, that one might be a little long…and might require singing depending on how far you want to take it)
- Man what a pollen count we’re having today!
- Look! It’s Lemmy come back to claim the faithful as his own! (then turn and run)
I engage in what are, or should be, plenty of humiliating activities so I’ll try to think of more of these for the inevitable busts. I’d advise you to do the same.
They started contacting me on Facebook a long time ago, they wanted to discuss their political philosophy with atheists. I told them I wouldn’t host the discussion on my personal page. I told them they were welcome to bring it up in a group online (like this one perhaps) or to contact a physical group who may very well like to discuss it.
They’d show up now and again, bring it up, I’d give them the same answer.
Yesterday morning they started commenting on multiple posts of mine, pushing their subject. I finally messaged them with my usual answer – they continued. I asked them explicitly to stop, that’s when they accused me of dishonesty, that’s when I blocked them.
I didn’t block them because of their opinions. I didn’t block them because I haven’t thought about the things they want to talk about.
I blocked them because I’m not willing to have, or referee that conversation online, on my page at least, and after saying so numerous times, and finally asking them directly to stop hounding me, they refused.
I blocked them in response to their blatant disrespect and disregard for me. I only regret I didn’t do it sooner. 😛
There were plenty of faithers around when I was a kid but I never heard “have a bless-ed day” or “I’m blessed” in everyday conversation – when did that shit start?
Watching an ideology consume a friend, knowing the ideology will make them despise you
Left wing politics is a popular religion among those who’ve lost religion
hate the term “You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs” ‘cos the “eggs” are usually people and the omelette some sky-pie bullshit
My lack of faith #ThingsIEnjoyIn4Words
Writing in my notebooks #ThingsIEnjoyIn4Words
Writing with fountain pens #ThingsIEnjoyIn4Words
Anything condemned by do-gooders #ThingsIEnjoyIn4Words
Por no gra phy #ThingsIEnjoyIn4Words
A lot of political views smell like religion, they reek of superstition and dogmas, half truths and straight up lies. They foul the air with the rotting stench of orthodoxies held onto by faith – hateful, crazy, and authoritarian – lightly perfumed with a masquerade of good intentions and promises of some future goddamned utopia if just everybody submits.
I bet plants hate being anthropomorphized
I await the Intersectional Singularity, when the holy one, who is perfectly oppressed in every possible and conceivable way, comes forward and all others everywhere are deemed unworthy privileged shitlords by their mere presence. The world will fall into glorious silence as no one other than the holy one will be able to speak on any subject, and humanity will come together as one. Amen.