Walked out the front door of my house this morning, headed to work, to find a woman standing next to the curb with a baby in one arm. In her other hand she held a leash which lead to a black dog doing its business in our front yard.
She said “Sorry, I thought she was done,” then tugged on the leash and headed north up the street, hooking up with a guy in a gray tee-shirt leading another leashed dog.
Besides the fact that I grew just a little more resistant to communal living in that instant, I wondered what she meant by “I thought she was done.” Was the dog supposed to do all its business in someone else’s yard and only hit our yard as part two of an uncompleted project? Was the dog supposed to be done before I walked out and saw it?
I’m sure that none of them, not she, the baby, or the dog expected me to walk out and catch them in the act of elimination. The “Sorry, I thought she was done” was an apology delivered in a bit of shock.
That leads me to think that it is indeed a good idea to be prepare oneself with some exciting statements, to draw attention from whatever act one is inevitably interrupted in – something like Dave Attell’s “Get some help, a hot towel and a chicken burrito!”
Or one can try a more classic diversion-and-split. Something like John Belushi’s line in 1941: “aw look a baby wolf” before he drives away on a motorcycle, or Cleavon Little’s: “for my next impression – Jessie Owens,” before he ran away from Harvey Korman and his henchmen in Blazing Saddles might work.
So in preparation for when someone catches me, baby in arm, dog in their yard (it’s all figurative, my babies are both older and I don’t have a dog) here are a few emergency lines:
- Jimmy Crack Corn but try as I might I still care, I, still care…
- God Damn You Patriarchy!
- You needn’t give your attention to everyone who demands it Fiona!
- You were the restless one and you did not care, that I was the trouble boy, lookin’ for a double dare (okay, that one might be a little long…and might require singing depending on how far you want to take it)
- Man what a pollen count we’re having today!
- Look! It’s Lemmy come back to claim the faithful as his own! (then turn and run)
I engage in what are, or should be, plenty of humiliating activities so I’ll try to think of more of these for the inevitable busts. I’d advise you to do the same.